There’re so many thoughts in my head that I don’t know where to start, what to include & how to frame. I’m pulled in different directions. My mind tells me to write about the topics that’re long-pending. My heart asks me to pen down what I feel here & now. What I feel right now is pensive. Yes, I’m brooding. Have been doing all day & have almost ruined my holiday. The interesting bit’s- I don’t really know what I’m agitated over. Is it because of the skirmishes at my workplace? Or is it due to N not being around? Or the fact that I’m having an existential crisis? Well, I don’t know if I’m having a crisis but I’m certainly facing questions that’re requiring me to introspect. Now, that’s a good thing, provided I introspect & not get depressed after attaching a blame to myself. More so, I’ve been in this pensive state for a fortnight or so. Earlier, I dismissed it as PMS but now, I’m seriously questioning myself. Given that my mind usually defeats my heart, this time I’ll let the latter win. Travelogues, festival memories & an ode to friends will’ve to wait. Today, here, I need to offload what’s been gnawing me inside.
So, as I said, I’ve been throwing questions at myself. The bottom line of these questions is – Am I a good human being? If I’m, why am I criticizing, fighting & hating so much? If I’m not, what am I doing with my life? Why am I valuing less & carping more? Why’ve I started abhorring so much? Why’ve I become judgmental? Am I becoming intolerant? I once preached & practiced ‘agree to disagree’ but I don’t seem to be doing so anymore. I get annoyed easily. I’m still, thankfully, not confrontational, but I’ve become prone to making indirect remarks. A few people do deserve it, like the lousy consultant I work with. But, at large, do I really need to have an opinion about everything? Am I, under the guise of strong attitudes, becoming a hater?
It’s upsetting for a person like me to realize that I’m freezing my heart. I’m not a people-pleaser but I do believe in harmony. I don’t need to depend on others to make myself happy but I consider coexistence to be peaceful. If there’s discord, I don’t get pleasure out of arguing; instead, my own energy gets sucked out in the process. Who likes that? Who wants that? More importantly, who needs that? I may not be here to make people happy, but I’m not here to make them & myself sad either.
So, after a good fortnight of contemplation, I’m making a change to my life. You can call it a delayed New Year resolution. Appreciate more, criticize less! I hope this’ll translate to loving more & hating less. There’s enough hatred in the world; I don’t wish to add to it. I’ll keep myself away from politics & current affairs, as there’s where most of my criticism comes from. It doesn’t mean I’ll not keep myself abreast; it just means I’ll be less opinionated &’ll keep my opinions to myself. Since social media’s my preferred communication channel, I’ll desist from liking/ commenting on/ sharing links/ photos/ videos that harbor hatred towards an ideology or a person or a thing etc.
Of course, this doesn’t mean I’ll change overnight. I’ll continue to have strong ideological/ political beliefs but hopefully, I’ll be able to keep them to myself. A few aspects will remain unforgivable, e.g., betrayal or being friends with cheats or unprofessionalism. Towards these, my stance remains the same, & my standards remain high.
I don’t make New Year resolutions. Even this one’s not; it’s a Sankranti resolution, for the simple reason that I made this decision on Sankrant day. But, I hope I’m able to bring some change to myself. It may be only 20% but something’s better than nothing.
Phew! I feel light already. Some of my pensiveness is gone. & I prepare myself for action. I hope that with the two actionable steps I’ve noted down for myself, this resolution will be achievable, & won’t remain a 30,000 feet dream.